Reminder of a dangerous but irresistible pastime

Reminder: "The body achieves what the mind believes", when you get to believe that something’s possible that’s when you’re the closest, and sometimes you even gotta roleplay mountaineering in order to do so.

In the background I did prioritize feelings over duties, it’s rather easy to think I just wished it and then went for it, but it’s really difficult to realize you ought to sacrifice some things in order to do others, that some precious priorities gotta wait in line, to have the gut to say “Mom, my current dream is to climb up a mountain, I know it seems crazy, I don’t know how and don’t know why, but I just feel like I have to, please let me do it”. I knew I was following an abnormal path right when I watched my friends saying goodbye, leaving it all behind to fly even higher, to search for the opportunities they deserve. But everyone’s circumstances are different and maybe I was exactly where I needed to be. That was my price to pay and I accept it. I just figured out, if not now, when? This wasn’t as simple as just reaching a summit and then, that’s it. This was more about the woman I needed to become and discovering the kind of person I wanted to be, even if it meant getting lost and hurt a few times along the way.

I felt an overwhelming guilt because, indeed, I wasted a lot of time to find reasons, to pursue some sort of purpose, but I just did what I felt my soul needed at the moment, and now I think everyone’s right to pursue that sort of heartfelt hunch. I had the privilege to be free, so I ran when I could, I escaped when I needed to, and did it solely with the argument that I just wanted it so bad, that something drawn me to this and my heart would burst out of emotion to even imagine it. I followed my obsessions and trusted my intuition. Luckily, I found more meaning in life than I ever imagine. I found serendipity in every corner. Time has become a whisper, it's crazy to think I used to go outside when I crumbled, but now I find more comfort in my own skin. And I owe it all to nature’s wisdom, that has humbled me, made me feel down to earth, and taught me what I didn’t know I needed to learn.

Now I choose to believe wasting time was really a weird way to invest in a much needed personal growth, but I didn’t know that at first. This intense type of living taught me more about myself than what I would’ve understood in therapy, I felt it in my heart, I got to experience what I’m truly made of. I just think, how many steps did it take me to realize I’ve become my own fucking teacher? This felt cooler than graduation.

These short but intense experiences, along with the people I got to share it with have shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m not even close to the girl I was, just a few months ago, but now I know I’m the girl that won’t ever stop feeling amazed by her own perspectives and resolutions. Of course I still need some answers but I feel a little bit more grown up, it’s been my time to evolve, to live what I couldn’t before. At first, it seemed like a selfish path and maybe I fucked up sometimes, but I swear I learnt and collected both mistakes and nourishing lessons. I found myself hurt and mended, back up again. It felt like a roller-coaster but I survived.

In the meantime, I got so lucky along the way, I suddenly was in the right place, at the right moment with the right people. In my childhood holidays, I used to contemplate that mountain with so much astonishment and detail so that I could catch a glimpse of snow, but back in those days I felt it was just a cool landscape. Now, I cannot believe the amount of strength and confidence that freaking mountain has given me. I swear I walked every step as if it was my last so that I could get real advantage of every situation.  I feel so freaking grateful. And I just can’t believe that picture was taken this goddamn year, right before a fucking virus took over the world.